Thursday, October 2, 2008
I Really Should Know Better
It's rainy, the playoffs are on, and the Mets and Yankees are only identifiable by their dental records. After spending an afternoon watching the Brewers completely take a shit on me [right down to the pseudo-rally cocktease (exacerbated, of course, by Brad Lidge's annual post-season meltdown raising my hopes)], the Cubs jump into a 2-0 lead in the second game, and I head to the train for a night of work.
Since the bar is dead, the crowd consists entirely of bro's, and the weather is fucking abysmal, I slap on my crutch playlist of arbitrarily-arranged classic rock obscurities to keep me entertained during my six hour marathon of self-indulgence and free Sam Adams.
Top 5th, no outs, bases are empty.
The Rolling Stones - "Happy"
Top 5th, 1 out, no men on.
Rafael Furcal walks.
Top 5th, 1 out, one man on.
"James Gang - Funk #49"
Russell Martin flies out.
Top 5th, 2 outs, one man on.
Manny Ramirez walks.
Andre Ethier walks.
Top 5th, 2 outs, bases fucking loaded.
Ryan "Cum" Dempster gives up a grand slam.
The place erupts with cheers and high-fives from NY baseball fans, and the only voice of dissent is the word "Fuck", screamed out of the DJ booth, followed by the sound of me punching something hard enough that typing this is difficult.
As Furcal crosses home plate, the James Gang ends.
ZZ Top - "Jesus Just left Chicago"
If I, in any way, jinxed them, I should be subject to African tribal genital mutilation. God Fucking Damn It.
I realize that I'm long fucking overdue for an update. Furthermore, it is in no way an update to anyone that a) the Cubs do this to me every year, and b) I have anger issues. I assure you I will finish a real post in the near future, and that it will give you all the joy of an Anne Geddes photo, but with far less latent-pedophilia. To tide you over in the meantime, enjoy Elephant Man acting like a complete maniac over a sample of the Benny Hill theme song.
Elephant Man - "No Tikkle"
Just so we're on the same page, that is supposed to be a vagina, right?
 Note: Do not engorge yourself on salami, and then google "Elephant Man". You may think you're gonna get this, but you're way more likely to get this. Or this. Lesson fucking learned.